SIGNS

(Taglish)

Sabi ko noon, I don't believe in Signs. Or should I say, hindi ko ma-identify kasi kung ang nangyari ay sign ba talaga from God, o nagde-daydream lang ako, tapos nangyayari lang --- kaya parang hindi ako naniniwala. Tsaka ang alam ko kasi, sa mga pelikula lang yun nagkaka-totoo, at sa mga script na binubuhay ng mga aktor sa teatro.

But last week, I did something. I tried "asking" or "praying" for a sign. A sign that I know could make or break me and my heart. Sabi ko, sige bahala na. Basta hihingi ako ng sign. Kailangan ko lang i-control ng bongga ang sarili ko na huwag gumawa ng kahit anong participation para sana matupad ang sign. Sabi ko, dapat, kung talagang nagkakatotoo ang sign, hahayaan ko lang na mangyari. Either hihintayin ko, or I will just let it be, and go on with my days ahead.


So I did the latter. As days unfold, with my usual work routine, meetings to attend, plus freelance activities, nawala na lang sa isip ko. Dumaan lang ang mga araw. Dumating nga rin yung mga araw na pilit kong inaalala ano nga bang hiniling ko. Para saan nga ba ulit. Natawa pa nga ako sa sarili ko, kasi, parang kalokohan lang yung ginawa ko. As the days come near the 20th of December, tsaka ko naalala ang hiling. Ang sign.

Simple lang naman, at maaaring mababaw para sa nakararami. Ang hiling ko lang naman kay God, was, IF talagang seryoso itong ginoo sa akin, tatawag siya ulit bago mag-sabado, na may kaakibat na tamang plano, at matinong desisyon kung ano at saan na nga ba talaga patutungo itong pagkakaibigan namin. Walong taon din mula nung una kaming nagkakilala. At sa walong taon na 'yun, bilang ko lang yata sa mga daliri ko sa kamay at paa, ang mga araw na nagkasama kami. The rest of the years, MIA (missing in action) siya, tapos bigla na namang lilitaw. Magpaparamdam. Sasabihing hindi raw nagbago ang feelings niya sa akin. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon. Kung kinuha niya sa script ng teleserye mga sinabi niya, for sure ma-e-MTRCB approve.

What surprises me, though, was that, every time he calls, he remembers every single detail of those counted days na nagkasama kami. Hindi daw niya nakakalimutan yung mga araw na 'yun. Samantalang ako, sa tagal at sa dami na ng nangyari sa akin sa pagitan ng mga taong iyon, halos wala na akong maalala. Sorry, pero I told him, maging hitsura niya, hindi ko na talaga maalala (hindi pa kasi uso ang selfie at monopod noon, kaya oo, wala kaming picture together).

At sa dami naman na ng na-encounter kong palitaw -este- mga lalaking lumulubog at lumilitaw, na hahanapin o gugustuhin lang ako kapag may kailangan, siguro naman hindi niyo ako masisisi kung after 8 years sa lalaking ito, eh tamang humingi na ako ng desisyon mula sa kanya, hindi ba? Kasi hindi na kami bumabata. Mukhang baby face lang, sige pwede pa. Pero this time, hindi na tamang makipag-laro pa. Hindi na tamang, maging palitaw pa. It's either his actions mean something (he calls -- not just texts me, and he's trying very hard to take time out of his very busy days to communicate with me. In short, he makes TIME for me. And this is VERY, VERY much appreciated. Halos wala pang nakakapag-laan ng oras na ganyan para sa akin). Or, his actions could be just that --- mere gestures. Walang meaning.

Kaya ako humingi ng sign.

Nung nagka-kuwentuhan kami ni Lord, hindi ko na maalala kung sa banyo ba o sa kalsada habang tumatawid ako sa EDSA nung huli ko siyang nakausap, sabi ko, isang sign lang po. Kapag tumawag po siya ulit before Saturday, at bigyan ako ng malinaw na sagot sa mga nakabitin ko pong tanong, maaaring siya na. Siya na nga po yata. Siya na nga po sana 'yung matagal niyo nang planong ibigay para sa akin. Sana. 'Yun lang naman po.

Tapos, natulog na'ko. Gumising. Nagtrabaho, at gumawa na naman ng kung anu-ano.

Then last night, my phone rang.

Daddy's Email

(When we --- his children, started living on our own, the only means of communication our Dad could afford is either a text message, a call, or a forwarded email from his office --- and that's not on a daily basis. Things happen, and Men, admit it or not, you really find it hard to express yourselves. Same with our Dad. He keeps his emotions and whatever he wants to say, and mask them with anger and impatience toward us. But he doesn't fail to send emails expressing what he really feel and the messages he want to tell us. Here, I'm sharing some of those emails, which I hope can one way or another, help you or your family connect those ties once again. Enjoy reading!)

A Heart Warming Story

(The Irreplaceable Void)

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.  

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop,

happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has Attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say.... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy,

      I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

For the females with children:

Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:

Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.

Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.

Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:

Beauty lies in loving yourself first.

With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

Walking Thoughts [in Tagalog] - Part III

Sa likod ng tabing, ay mga taong may kanya-kanyang istorya ng buhay. Sa likod ng mga ngiti, maskara at kolorete sa mukha at katawan para sa iba't-ibang karakter, ay mga taong may hinagpis o pinag-daraanang pasakit sa buhay. Pasakit na siyang nagpalakas at nagpatindig sa kanila bilang Tao. Sa likod ng iba't-ibang makukulay na kasuotan, ay mga taong nagnanais makilala, marinig at maipabatid ang mensahe ng kanilang ikinikilos sa mga taong may kakayahang magpabago ng lipunan. Sa likod ng mga palakpakan, ay ang pagnanais na mapagtagumpayan ang piniling karera sa buhay.

Pera man ang sa nakararami'y makapag-pupuno ng kanilang pangangailangan, iba pa rin ang galak sa puso sa tuwing makakagawa ka ng isang bagay na kaytagal mo nang gustong gawin. Iba pa rin ang pakiramdam na magsilbing simpleng inspirasyon sa kahit iilan o isa man lang indibidwal. Iba pa rin ang pakiramdam na makapag-pabago ng isang buhay. Iba pa rin ang mapabilang sa mga taong iisa ang layunin. Iba pa rin ang magsilbing "instrumento" para maihatid ang mensahe ng Maykapal.

Nakakataba ng puso ang bawat papuring namumutawi sa labi ng ilan. Gayun din ang luwag ng pagtanggap sa bawat puna o pintas ng nakararami. Nakakawala ng pagod ang bawat halakhak na napag-sasaluhan. At nakaka-bawas ng lungkot ang bawat biruan.

Sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, ay wala ni isa mang kapalit na hangad, kundi ang respeto at pagtitiwala --- na maipag-patuloy ang aming paglalakbay kasama kayo patungo sa isang masaya at mapayapang mundo. :)

Walking Thoughts [Part II]

SOON:

...I'll be leaving the place i loved for more than a year.
...I'll be leaving the landlords whom I considered my second parents, who never failed to understand and care for me (and who tell me stories, just to keep me company when I'm down and troubled).
...I won't receive any more free sliced pizza, salad, cake, or just any food/viand from them; whenever they feel I'm hungry and got no food to eat.
...I'll be invisible online, 'coz I won't have access to free internet connection anymore (after trusting me with their password).
...I'll be living with different sets of neighbors, and will once again learn how to befriend them.
...I'll have to pack my things, move-out and re-arrange them all over again, in a very short span of time, in a much smaller place than I used to live.

Amongst all these life-changes, there's always this one constant thing --- I will still be all by my self. Funny thing is, even if I keep on telling myself, I Am Fine and that I'm used to it, there's always this huge part of me, that says "No, you are not".

*Sigh* I wonder when all these will end. I want to enjoy life, the way I enjoyed it before. I want to be happy for Real. I want to pursue all my plans which were placed on hold for such a very long time. For once, I want to be someone who'll make a statement of success. For once, I want to be that someone, who they'll look up to and be proud of; and not someone who, after all the things I've done, sacrifices I made, and after everything that happened to me -- will get a feedback that I haven't done anything "right" and "good".

If only someone could understand how difficult it is to live alone, when there's no one to take care of you when you're sick, no one to laugh with when you're happy; if only someone could understand how it feels to be nobody, if only someone could understand how it feels to walk in a place where as if no one sees you, if only someone could understand that feeling of hopelessness when you can't run to anybody when you needed one most...then maybe, just maybe, you'll get my message across --- Living My Life Is Never That Easy.

Walking Thoughts [in TagLish] - Part I

One good thing about being single, is that you can move and get around in your own pace, without thinking of someone waiting for you. You can go home anytime you want, and go to places you wanted to explore without someone complaining how their feet hurts 'coz you keep on walking to 'never-never land'. Anyway, I'm not writing about the perks of being single (--- err, maybe just a bit. Hehe), and I'm not saying that I discovered - my thoughts are walking.

I just want to share how glad I am to be working in a beautiful environment, where even if it's a long walk to my destination, I get the chance to think freely (without worryng if a truck will come out of nowhere and bump me), and observe things and people around me. So I started documenting my thoughts and decided to share it with all of you:

-> When we were kids: madadapa muna tayo at masusugatan, bago matuto lumakad.

-> When we started studying: may mga exam na maibabagsak muna natin, bago tayo magfofocus sa pagre-review. 

-> When we started to love: ma-ha-heart broken muna tayo, bago natin matututunan kung paano ang totoong magmahal at kung sino ang dapat mahalin

-> When we started working: hindi natin agad-agad makukuha ang proseso at maco-coach muna tayo, bago tayo ma-cha-challenge to perform well.

-> When we become parents ourselves: may magagawa tayong hindi magugustuhan ng mga anak natin, causing them to retaliate and leave home; before we realize their worth.

Above all these, my realization may seem cliche to some, but let me give my own version. I realized:

Na sa kahit saang eksena ng buhay, sa kahit saang landas na ating tatahakin, meron at meron talaga tayong pagkakamaling magagawa. Meron at meron talagang makakapuna. Meron at meron talagang susukat kung hanggang saan mo kaya at kung tatagal ka ba.

And what kept me going all these years? It's not just my faith alone, but the mere challenge I give on myself. I keep on telling myself, whenever I fail and make mistakes, "Come on, you know you can do better than that. Do it! Do what's right, and the rest will follow." Well, it's not that I'm crazy talking to myself or what, hehe. I just make it a point, that whenever I fall, I know how to get up --- as how I was taught the first time I got wounded :)

Have a blessed night, everyone! And enjoy your pay day :)

OF FIRST TIMES AND BEYOND - PART II

(For the Curious among you)

Written: April 2 2011

It was one hell of a month. Right now, I honestly feel like I'm writing a Last Will and Testament. I feel there's really something bad that's going to happen to me. I don’t know what for the time being, but let’s not focus on that, shall we? I’m sure some of our instincts may be wrong.

Okay. I will start this by saying that this is the first time:

1) I’m writing a blog/journal on a notebook ( Yup, with a pen and paper. But for now as you’re reading this, I had already typed them in, so it’s no longer written on paper) since my laptop gave up on the 2nd week of March. I haven’t gotten the time to have it fixed after having it reformatted for the first time. You’ll know why as we move along.

So going back to writing on a paper, the last time I did this was when I still own a diary which I only fill up whenever I have a heartbreak or some sort of a secret that only me and those colorful pages knew. I haven’t filled it much, though.

2) Out of all the medical procedures done on/in me, (believe it, it’s a lot), it was only last March 29 when this nurse conducted my 2D Echo Test, and actually prayed for me before she started. I felt goose bumps all over my body, and I know she felt and saw it ‘coz I was just wearing a very thin lab gown where the front part was open. Now, before you think of anything malicious about that, or imagine what the nurse could’ve seen, I tell you that I was fine with it, because the front needs to be open and my chest needs to be exposed because that’s where she’ll run the test. Alright? So stop those imaginations running. :)

As I was saying, she prayed, so I felt blessed and actually thought she was one of the angels, God sent me. Because when I got back to that same clinic today for another test, I asked for her and she was gone. Too bad I wasn’t able to catch her name then. I could’ve included her in my prayers too. Okay, maybe it was not her shift today that’s why I didn’t see her. But I still feel she was God-sent. :) I just hope all nurses/doctors do that (pray with their patient before beginning any medical procedures – except of course in emergency cases. Well, praying in the mind will do too. I know most people do this). It feels good and it lessens the nervousness in a patient.

3) Now that I mentioned about medical procedures done on/in me, I would like to let you know that it was the first time I got sick like this in a span of one month. I was sent home by our clinic doctor for days (despite my persistence to go back and work). Fever, cough and colds just kept coming back, added by severe chest pains that I only felt occasional since college. It was last March that those chest pains reoccurred for more than once in a day. I felt so terrified; I might die having short breaths. So I finally decided to let doctors check on it. I really didn’t mind those pains before ‘coz it was just seconds, then it goes off. This time, when that pain attacks, it takes 3 to 5 minutes to subside. It was alarming.

I thought my fear will subside after hearing my cardiologist say I have nothing to worry about ‘coz these instances don’t happen on my age bracket, but it made me think worse. What if I’ll be the very first case she’ll handle with this kind of situation? Now that she moved the test result from Wednesday to Friday of next week, does that mean, it takes that much longer time to study what that 2D Echo machine presented? More than a week’s time? It gets me more nervous. Of course I wanted to know what’s wrong with me. If it won’t be ASAP, at least get my hopes up that I’m fine. But until now, I’m not (I even had another attack earlier this day as I type this - dated April 3 2011). I won’t be fine ‘til I hear from her. And I’m always terrified because every time I go to sleep, I’m always awakened by the pain in the middle of the night.

Even if I don’t think about it, even if I get myself relaxed by emptying my mind, even if I get myself to sleep with the required hours we should get, even if I eat the right meals at the right time, nothing helps me ‘til I figure it out. Those doctors I consulted only said one thing: “You don’t have to worry. This doesn’t normally happen to people your age.” Yeah, I wish not to worry. But I don’t want to find out that it’s too late, and that I would be considered in a True Story Movie just like, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” – only with my name on it.

Yeah, my imagination is running wild now. You may say I’m over thinking. But you can’t blame me. After taking in all sorts of medicines in my body, it helped me imagine that much. Or maybe, I just tend to create “happy thoughts” in a difficult or hurting situation like this (being not able to work for more than a week now). I know everything happens for a reason. So while I’m waiting for that reason, I just tend to let my mind wander. :)

4) It was the first time that some of my left body parts felt tortured. Twice of getting blood and injected on the same spot on my left arm, left breast hurt so bad while that nurse who prayed for me ran the little machine on it. For those of you who don’t know how the 2D Echo Test is done, its jut like getting an ultrasound for pregnant women. So that thing they use where they put gel on , and run on those mothers’ tummies was like the same thing used on me. Only that she ran it on my left breast to inspect my heart and the muscles on it.

5) On a lighter side, though, I finally finished my third dose of medicine for HPV (Human papillomavirus). And it was always injected in my left arm – again. I’m happy after having it, ‘coz I really felt safe this time, after knowing all different diseases a woman can get, I feel protected. But of course, nothing is safer than having ‘safe sex’, or just abstain on it, if you’re still not ready to have a baby.

6) I enrolled for the first time in an Acting Workshop for Film, under Lunar Saints Production. I never expected, that little enrollment fee would go a long way, had given more opportunities and have given much priority to each and every one of us - their students, as much as it may have cost a mainstream production group to conduct their own. I never expected that a 3,000 pesos is worth that much time and effort each member of the group has to share whenever the class starts. For me, with all honesty, I would have started with around P5,000.00 or up, considering the intensity of teaching and hands-on activities that they provide. Indeed, no cents were ever wasted. I'm glad to know that there are still people who cared this much to those, who all wanted was to either gain more experience, just enhance what they have initially learned back stage, or just merely add-on their first time experiences list. :)

7) It was a first, feeling hopeless without someone beside you get through a tough situation. I’m not saying I wish I have a man to take care of me, but, yeah, maybe I’m wishing for it. I won’t pretend that I don’t need anyone, and that I am that independent. But admit it or not, at one time or another, an independent woman will wish for a companion. An independent woman can never be too strong, ‘til she finds out that there’s someone out there waiting for her to come home and wishes her well (I think this goes with Men too). Of course there are called Friends who stay for you. But nothing compares to having a man stand by you through thick and thin. For me, I find it so fulfilling when I get to share my hopes, dreams, goals – even my darkest secrets and happiest moments with the opposite sex. Hearing them do the same for me, is even more heart-warming.

But as I said, it was just a first time feeling of hopelessness. Maybe it occurred after seeing all married couples, mother-son, father-daughter, young couples; inside that medical clinic, up to my way outside, up to the jeepney where I rode back home. But that’s alright. I’m still up for God’s perfect time of course. For now, I’ll just keep on singing this song in my mind after hearing it over and over again on the radio this day:

“…How does he laugh, how does he cry? What’s the color of his eye?

Does he even realize I’m here?

Where is he, where is he, where is this beautiful guy?

Who is he, who is he, who’s gonna take me so high?

Where is he, where is he, where is this beautiful guy?

Who is he, who is he, who’s gonna take me so high?

Nanana-nananana

Nanana-nanaaa…

Nanana-nananana …”

Well, alright. I’ll end the list with that song. Just so you know, I’m not writing this stuff to get pity from anyone. I don’t need it. It just so happen that, that’s what blogging / writing a journal is all about – expressing yourself. It’s like I’ve allowed people to get into my life-book. And I feel honored to know that people take time to read my musings. This has always been a part of me – sharing my thoughts to people, and life experiences. ‘Coz I know, in one planet or another, there is someone out there, who could’ve been experiencing / have experienced the same things I did.

When a Director asked me during one of our ‘Revelations session’, “What makes me happy?” I said, “Whenever I’m in front of an audience performing, I feel happy. When I am with people who appreciates my craft and have the same passion I have with Arts, I am happy. When I am surrounded by people who will do everything to achieve what they really want in life, it makes me happy. And whenever I get to share my experiences to people, see the outcome on them, or just hear from them that they learned from me, it makes me happy." Somehow, I wanted people to remember me that way.

And writing this by the way is another of those happiest moments in my life. I’m glad to have shared this with you. :)

Be safe now everyone. ‘Til my next post.

Ciao! :)