SIGNS

(Taglish)

Sabi ko noon, I don't believe in Signs. Or should I say, hindi ko ma-identify kasi kung ang nangyari ay sign ba talaga from God, o nagde-daydream lang ako, tapos nangyayari lang --- kaya parang hindi ako naniniwala. Tsaka ang alam ko kasi, sa mga pelikula lang yun nagkaka-totoo, at sa mga script na binubuhay ng mga aktor sa teatro.

But last week, I did something. I tried "asking" or "praying" for a sign. A sign that I know could make or break me and my heart. Sabi ko, sige bahala na. Basta hihingi ako ng sign. Kailangan ko lang i-control ng bongga ang sarili ko na huwag gumawa ng kahit anong participation para sana matupad ang sign. Sabi ko, dapat, kung talagang nagkakatotoo ang sign, hahayaan ko lang na mangyari. Either hihintayin ko, or I will just let it be, and go on with my days ahead.


So I did the latter. As days unfold, with my usual work routine, meetings to attend, plus freelance activities, nawala na lang sa isip ko. Dumaan lang ang mga araw. Dumating nga rin yung mga araw na pilit kong inaalala ano nga bang hiniling ko. Para saan nga ba ulit. Natawa pa nga ako sa sarili ko, kasi, parang kalokohan lang yung ginawa ko. As the days come near the 20th of December, tsaka ko naalala ang hiling. Ang sign.

Simple lang naman, at maaaring mababaw para sa nakararami. Ang hiling ko lang naman kay God, was, IF talagang seryoso itong ginoo sa akin, tatawag siya ulit bago mag-sabado, na may kaakibat na tamang plano, at matinong desisyon kung ano at saan na nga ba talaga patutungo itong pagkakaibigan namin. Walong taon din mula nung una kaming nagkakilala. At sa walong taon na 'yun, bilang ko lang yata sa mga daliri ko sa kamay at paa, ang mga araw na nagkasama kami. The rest of the years, MIA (missing in action) siya, tapos bigla na namang lilitaw. Magpaparamdam. Sasabihing hindi raw nagbago ang feelings niya sa akin. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon. Kung kinuha niya sa script ng teleserye mga sinabi niya, for sure ma-e-MTRCB approve.

What surprises me, though, was that, every time he calls, he remembers every single detail of those counted days na nagkasama kami. Hindi daw niya nakakalimutan yung mga araw na 'yun. Samantalang ako, sa tagal at sa dami na ng nangyari sa akin sa pagitan ng mga taong iyon, halos wala na akong maalala. Sorry, pero I told him, maging hitsura niya, hindi ko na talaga maalala (hindi pa kasi uso ang selfie at monopod noon, kaya oo, wala kaming picture together).

At sa dami naman na ng na-encounter kong palitaw -este- mga lalaking lumulubog at lumilitaw, na hahanapin o gugustuhin lang ako kapag may kailangan, siguro naman hindi niyo ako masisisi kung after 8 years sa lalaking ito, eh tamang humingi na ako ng desisyon mula sa kanya, hindi ba? Kasi hindi na kami bumabata. Mukhang baby face lang, sige pwede pa. Pero this time, hindi na tamang makipag-laro pa. Hindi na tamang, maging palitaw pa. It's either his actions mean something (he calls -- not just texts me, and he's trying very hard to take time out of his very busy days to communicate with me. In short, he makes TIME for me. And this is VERY, VERY much appreciated. Halos wala pang nakakapag-laan ng oras na ganyan para sa akin). Or, his actions could be just that --- mere gestures. Walang meaning.

Kaya ako humingi ng sign.

Nung nagka-kuwentuhan kami ni Lord, hindi ko na maalala kung sa banyo ba o sa kalsada habang tumatawid ako sa EDSA nung huli ko siyang nakausap, sabi ko, isang sign lang po. Kapag tumawag po siya ulit before Saturday, at bigyan ako ng malinaw na sagot sa mga nakabitin ko pong tanong, maaaring siya na. Siya na nga po yata. Siya na nga po sana 'yung matagal niyo nang planong ibigay para sa akin. Sana. 'Yun lang naman po.

Tapos, natulog na'ko. Gumising. Nagtrabaho, at gumawa na naman ng kung anu-ano.

Then last night, my phone rang.

Rundown of My O’Ten

As I count the hours near the end of 2010, I’ve decided to run through my blessings and activities this past year. Since all I can do right now (alone and sick on New Year’s Eve) is to stay home and get well, I thought of writing down the memorable things that happened to me including the significant people who inspired me in O’ten, and here they are:

JANUARY

I pretty much enjoy the company of different friends. This month, I got a chance to meet with friends whom I’ve known online for years; was able to go to Ecopark for the first time with my Buritos Family to celebrate two of our loving college friends’ 26^th birthday; had my godson visit me in my apartment; and was able to attend my earlier Pod Gathering in Torio’s Grill – where I was chosen as the Best CSAT Awardee for 2009.

FEBRUARY

This love month didn’t go well as I thought it would have, since this is also my birthday month. My presence wasn’t there when I was supposed to be a Godmother to one of our college friend’s daughter; my boyfriend back then didn’t spend the Valentine’s Day with me for some lame reason; I was broke on my birthday week when I filed for a VL (vacation leave); and I broke someone’s heart without me knowing he has feelings for me. If I remember it right, the only good thing that happened to me was when instead of having a date on Valentine’s Day, I ended up celebrating the day with my favorite godson, his mom and his mom’s mom. They’re a family to me, so I was glad to go back to Ecopark with them, just relaxed and watch the kid enjoy himself.

MARCH

Another of those so-so months. This was when I found out that my ex was lying to me all along (he even lied about his birth date ‘til I saw the prompt on facebook and that he’s about to leave the country sooner than I expected). He didn’t even have the guts to say goodbye, so I broke up with him. He tried to talk me out of it and visit me in my place, but it’s too late. I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Liars don’t stay long in my memory. So there. I can’t remember anything really good that happened to me this month.

APRIL

If not for a special friend’s wedding, I wouldn’t be able to travel and see the beautiful place of Marinduque, her sweet husband and the beautiful friends of the bride. This was by far, I can say the best vacation I had this 2010. We stayed there for 5days. After which, was a Part 2 getaway to Anawangin, Zambales. Awww…beaches, beaches, beaches. J I love this month!

MAY

This was the month I guess when I started searching for acting workshops or open auditions so I can go back and hone my craft and pursue what I’ve always wanted to do – Act. This was when I attended a workshop guide to beginners in film making, and finally met one of the significant persons who inspired me to pursue my dream – Mr. JP Carpio. I also promised to make myself “busy” from this month on, to let go of the bad vibes. J

JUNE

This month was one of the unforgettable. Aside from relatives and friends who celebrated their birthdays and so with Father’s Day, this was the beginning of my journey towards reaching my goal. I began attending UFO Pintigan Acting Workshop, I was able to audition for CCP’s Tanghalang Pilipino Actor’s Company and auditioned for UP Diliman’s Information for Foreigners.

JULY

I was still busy attending the workshop (under Soliman Cruz and Michael Ian Lomongo) then office work right after. I graduated from the acting workshop at the end of the month, performed in our recital and still on the same day, met another significant person (a great artist - director/actor/singer/dancer/choreographer/writer/composer, all rolled into one – Mr. Njel de Mesa), I even sang with him! J

This was also the month when I found out I passed the audition in UP and will be part of yet again another amazing production under an internationally renowned director Anton Juan. Another unforgettable and happiest month I had this year. J

AUGUST

We had pictorials this month for the show Information for Foreigners; I learned more routes in and out of UP campus than I knew back in college; I learned that no matter how tired and long the hours are for rehearsals, as long as you love what you’re doing, you’ll just be happy and fine.

SEPTEMBER

Oh, dear September. I love you because: of the 7-days show of Information for Foreigners, with very good feedback from the press, guests and audience; because you introduced me to a bunch of talented, amazing and loving people in my IFF family; because we were complete (brothers, sisters and nephews) in celebrating Dad’s birthday; because we (college friends) got together again for Tei’s birthday at Liza’s house; and I still managed to perform and make good scores at work. J

OCTOBER

I was referred for another audition. Though I didn’t make it on the scheduled date, I was glad to be given a second chance for another day. I thought of it as another opportunity given by God, because he knows what my heart longs for. Though I didn’t get the part, I’m still happy for another experience. I even met a pretty girl on that same day, who told me it was her very first time to audition in her entire life and doesn’t have any idea how she’ll make it through. Since it has always been a pleasure for me to share what I learned, I gave her some tips and a few push for her not to back-out and just move on. In the end, I know she made it because the sponsor/judge liked her very much. J So happy for her!

This was also one of my favorite months because opportunities just kept on coming. After the above audition, I received an email in the office that there will be an opening for the Miss Saigon musical play as a Yearend performance and it will be a competition. At first, I told myself that this time, I want to know what it feels like to help backstage and just accompany my team mate who so wanted to be part of the production. Besides, I’m not a good singer or dancer. But friends and some officemates convinced me to join and try out. So there, I made it to the cut and was excited to know the rest of the cast. J

Before the end of this awesome month, I was interviewed for research and became friends with Tia and Didi (both from Indonesia); I met with a high school friend and her Dad, and then wrapped up the month by meeting my co-acting workshoppers from UFO Pintigan Acting Workshop to celebrate a beloved Australian friend (Emma)’s despedida in Centerstage. We had a lot of fun and sang our hearts out in the videoke that night! J I miss these girls.

NOVEMBER

I met up with two new online friends this month; attended another college friend’s bridal shower and enjoyed their company as we dress up for a Masquerade theme and did some pictorials; went out with Mommy, Tito & Katkat and bought or invested on some appliances for myself. Guess my 13^th month salary didn’t go to waste this year. Talk about wise spending. Oh, and this was when I had my taste of first time, when I auditioned for an Indie-film J

DECEMBER

I love you December, because: I met a bunch of crazy people in my Saigon Family and learned to love and be inspired by them. You gave me an opportunity to share and teach what I learned on previous workshops I’ve attended. I was able to perform on stage again after so many years. You made me perform in front of my superiors and officemates. You made me enjoy the company’s Yearend Party so bad, that despite some of my stuff were stolen backstage by God-knows-who, I still felt accomplished and fulfilled. And you made our family and relatives closer than ever.

oOo

Despite of my health condition this past year, I was still blessed with great people and great experiences that I’ll surely treasure for the rest of my life. THANK YOU 2010, and THANK YOU for everyone who became a part of my life and made me part of yours. You made my year worthwhile :)

Have a great 2011! Carpé Diem! ^_^