CONFESSIONS OF A DREAMER II

I have always been asked on job interviews of ,"how do I see myself 10 years from now?". I have always responded the same thing. Back then I always say, I see myself with a stable job, maybe a family of my own, and/or performing in Broadway and living in New York. I know the latter is so ambitious of me, but I didn't care then.

10 years after, I may not have a family of my own yet, yes I am so grateful for the work I have now, I may not be living in New York yet (and still remains as a far-fetched dream), and obviously I have not been able to go back and perform on stage for years. 

But, I am happy. 

As yesterday marked my 10th year anniversary in a corporate setup, it made me think of the things I've done. The things/companies I let go of in order to move forward. It made me remember all the incredible people I met who became part of my struggles and achievements. It made me think of the opportunities I didn't take, just so I could do what I want and be in a job where I think would bring out more of the best in me. I had no regrets.

Now, I may not be the one performing and being cheered onstage, but I have been given opportunities to see and capture great performances/shows/actors/scenes. I may not be on the front-line of straight plays or musicals, but I developed a deep drive in supporting start-up independent groups/artists, even the well established ones. I have been surrounded by people who love and cherish the same things I do. I have been meeting good, creative, and beautiful souls in my arts journey. Maybe it's because of these never-ending love for the craft and the people in it -- in this country, that I think were reasons why I've always placed my application abroad on-hold. I'm not even sure anymore if I'll fit in other countries in the first place.

As one of the quotes I live by states: "Sometimes, you may not end up where you want to be, but you will ALWAYS end up where God wants you to be." 

I truly believe this is where HE wanted me to be. This is what HE wanted me to do. And for these 10 years and more years to come (hopefully), I know HE will always be there to back me up. :-)

SIGNS

(Taglish)

Sabi ko noon, I don't believe in Signs. Or should I say, hindi ko ma-identify kasi kung ang nangyari ay sign ba talaga from God, o nagde-daydream lang ako, tapos nangyayari lang --- kaya parang hindi ako naniniwala. Tsaka ang alam ko kasi, sa mga pelikula lang yun nagkaka-totoo, at sa mga script na binubuhay ng mga aktor sa teatro.

But last week, I did something. I tried "asking" or "praying" for a sign. A sign that I know could make or break me and my heart. Sabi ko, sige bahala na. Basta hihingi ako ng sign. Kailangan ko lang i-control ng bongga ang sarili ko na huwag gumawa ng kahit anong participation para sana matupad ang sign. Sabi ko, dapat, kung talagang nagkakatotoo ang sign, hahayaan ko lang na mangyari. Either hihintayin ko, or I will just let it be, and go on with my days ahead.


So I did the latter. As days unfold, with my usual work routine, meetings to attend, plus freelance activities, nawala na lang sa isip ko. Dumaan lang ang mga araw. Dumating nga rin yung mga araw na pilit kong inaalala ano nga bang hiniling ko. Para saan nga ba ulit. Natawa pa nga ako sa sarili ko, kasi, parang kalokohan lang yung ginawa ko. As the days come near the 20th of December, tsaka ko naalala ang hiling. Ang sign.

Simple lang naman, at maaaring mababaw para sa nakararami. Ang hiling ko lang naman kay God, was, IF talagang seryoso itong ginoo sa akin, tatawag siya ulit bago mag-sabado, na may kaakibat na tamang plano, at matinong desisyon kung ano at saan na nga ba talaga patutungo itong pagkakaibigan namin. Walong taon din mula nung una kaming nagkakilala. At sa walong taon na 'yun, bilang ko lang yata sa mga daliri ko sa kamay at paa, ang mga araw na nagkasama kami. The rest of the years, MIA (missing in action) siya, tapos bigla na namang lilitaw. Magpaparamdam. Sasabihing hindi raw nagbago ang feelings niya sa akin. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon. Kung kinuha niya sa script ng teleserye mga sinabi niya, for sure ma-e-MTRCB approve.

What surprises me, though, was that, every time he calls, he remembers every single detail of those counted days na nagkasama kami. Hindi daw niya nakakalimutan yung mga araw na 'yun. Samantalang ako, sa tagal at sa dami na ng nangyari sa akin sa pagitan ng mga taong iyon, halos wala na akong maalala. Sorry, pero I told him, maging hitsura niya, hindi ko na talaga maalala (hindi pa kasi uso ang selfie at monopod noon, kaya oo, wala kaming picture together).

At sa dami naman na ng na-encounter kong palitaw -este- mga lalaking lumulubog at lumilitaw, na hahanapin o gugustuhin lang ako kapag may kailangan, siguro naman hindi niyo ako masisisi kung after 8 years sa lalaking ito, eh tamang humingi na ako ng desisyon mula sa kanya, hindi ba? Kasi hindi na kami bumabata. Mukhang baby face lang, sige pwede pa. Pero this time, hindi na tamang makipag-laro pa. Hindi na tamang, maging palitaw pa. It's either his actions mean something (he calls -- not just texts me, and he's trying very hard to take time out of his very busy days to communicate with me. In short, he makes TIME for me. And this is VERY, VERY much appreciated. Halos wala pang nakakapag-laan ng oras na ganyan para sa akin). Or, his actions could be just that --- mere gestures. Walang meaning.

Kaya ako humingi ng sign.

Nung nagka-kuwentuhan kami ni Lord, hindi ko na maalala kung sa banyo ba o sa kalsada habang tumatawid ako sa EDSA nung huli ko siyang nakausap, sabi ko, isang sign lang po. Kapag tumawag po siya ulit before Saturday, at bigyan ako ng malinaw na sagot sa mga nakabitin ko pong tanong, maaaring siya na. Siya na nga po yata. Siya na nga po sana 'yung matagal niyo nang planong ibigay para sa akin. Sana. 'Yun lang naman po.

Tapos, natulog na'ko. Gumising. Nagtrabaho, at gumawa na naman ng kung anu-ano.

Then last night, my phone rang.

Confession of a Dreamer

For the past years, all I wanted was just to be able to perform in front of an audience. I don't know what got into me, because I had a sudden change of mind. This time, I wanted not just to be able to perform, but learn more about my passion and be able to teach or share them to people.

This realization came when I got tired of searching for possible career advancements in my chosen field and saw numerous people who have potential to improve on their God-given talents. I'm not trying to be a talent manager or something. This time, I want to go back studying. I wanted to take my Masters in Performing Arts/Theater --- in a different country.

I don't know why I wanted to leave, all I know is that I want to know how it feels like studying in a different setting and how to live life outside of my birthland.

I know that for some, they'll say it's too late. Ask, "why just now? why start now?". I already hear people tell me that it's not worth the shot, because living in another country, considering their cost of living and such, is much worse than staying here. I wouldn't give them a second to think of more questions 'coz I will just say, "Why Not?" For me, nothing is too late - until I give up. And giving up, will never be in my vocabulary.

I admit, though, that I don't know where to start. This will be my very first time to do something on my own that I have never done in the past. I mean, I travel. Yes. But not internationally. This will be my first time to go out of my comfort zone. Of course I know I needed to fix my papers, get a passport and apply for a Visa and such, but I know I needed more help.

Living in another country, alone, and no one to talk to or be with, is one hell of a fun ride for me. Fun in the sense that I get to challenge myself to deal with different types of people, befriend any good or bad person that come my way. Fun in the sense that I will no longer have the same routine of just relying on one or two person's idea on something. Fun in the sense that I will not be committed to just a single person's routine itself.

But it's difficult, most especially if I have no idea of where to go.

I've been doing my research for like 3 months now. Searching for schools who can grant financial assistance for an International Student like me. Submitted resumes to possible goups/organizations who might hopefully read it and consider my portfolio. And since then, I haven't gotten any response.

It's indeed true, as I read through some international student's blogsites that the only pain you'll get out of this, is waiting.

I won't deny that I said I needed more help. I won't pretend that I know everything and that I can just do everything on my own. That's the reason why I've been asking my friends and all the people I know who's already living out of the country, for any information they could give me on where to go and what to do. That's the reason why I bury myself online, hoping to get a response from any of them. That's the reason why I'm not giving up. Because I know, someday, somewhere, there will be someone who can lead me to the right path without worrying of anything else, but me and my chosen life.

As we grow older and wiser, we realize that there are some things that just wouldn't satisfy our needs. We realize that there are people who were able to reach their goals and achieve their dreams without even going through all the hoops of trials. We realize that there are people who were just blessed with opportunities that they never see it coming.

Unfair as life can be, here I am, finally realizing what I wanted to do in life to serve my purpose --- yet I don't know where to begin.

Crazy, but true. :)