OF FIRST TIMES AND BEYOND - PART II

(For the Curious among you)

Written: April 2 2011

It was one hell of a month. Right now, I honestly feel like I'm writing a Last Will and Testament. I feel there's really something bad that's going to happen to me. I don’t know what for the time being, but let’s not focus on that, shall we? I’m sure some of our instincts may be wrong.

Okay. I will start this by saying that this is the first time:

1) I’m writing a blog/journal on a notebook ( Yup, with a pen and paper. But for now as you’re reading this, I had already typed them in, so it’s no longer written on paper) since my laptop gave up on the 2nd week of March. I haven’t gotten the time to have it fixed after having it reformatted for the first time. You’ll know why as we move along.

So going back to writing on a paper, the last time I did this was when I still own a diary which I only fill up whenever I have a heartbreak or some sort of a secret that only me and those colorful pages knew. I haven’t filled it much, though.

2) Out of all the medical procedures done on/in me, (believe it, it’s a lot), it was only last March 29 when this nurse conducted my 2D Echo Test, and actually prayed for me before she started. I felt goose bumps all over my body, and I know she felt and saw it ‘coz I was just wearing a very thin lab gown where the front part was open. Now, before you think of anything malicious about that, or imagine what the nurse could’ve seen, I tell you that I was fine with it, because the front needs to be open and my chest needs to be exposed because that’s where she’ll run the test. Alright? So stop those imaginations running. :)

As I was saying, she prayed, so I felt blessed and actually thought she was one of the angels, God sent me. Because when I got back to that same clinic today for another test, I asked for her and she was gone. Too bad I wasn’t able to catch her name then. I could’ve included her in my prayers too. Okay, maybe it was not her shift today that’s why I didn’t see her. But I still feel she was God-sent. :) I just hope all nurses/doctors do that (pray with their patient before beginning any medical procedures – except of course in emergency cases. Well, praying in the mind will do too. I know most people do this). It feels good and it lessens the nervousness in a patient.

3) Now that I mentioned about medical procedures done on/in me, I would like to let you know that it was the first time I got sick like this in a span of one month. I was sent home by our clinic doctor for days (despite my persistence to go back and work). Fever, cough and colds just kept coming back, added by severe chest pains that I only felt occasional since college. It was last March that those chest pains reoccurred for more than once in a day. I felt so terrified; I might die having short breaths. So I finally decided to let doctors check on it. I really didn’t mind those pains before ‘coz it was just seconds, then it goes off. This time, when that pain attacks, it takes 3 to 5 minutes to subside. It was alarming.

I thought my fear will subside after hearing my cardiologist say I have nothing to worry about ‘coz these instances don’t happen on my age bracket, but it made me think worse. What if I’ll be the very first case she’ll handle with this kind of situation? Now that she moved the test result from Wednesday to Friday of next week, does that mean, it takes that much longer time to study what that 2D Echo machine presented? More than a week’s time? It gets me more nervous. Of course I wanted to know what’s wrong with me. If it won’t be ASAP, at least get my hopes up that I’m fine. But until now, I’m not (I even had another attack earlier this day as I type this - dated April 3 2011). I won’t be fine ‘til I hear from her. And I’m always terrified because every time I go to sleep, I’m always awakened by the pain in the middle of the night.

Even if I don’t think about it, even if I get myself relaxed by emptying my mind, even if I get myself to sleep with the required hours we should get, even if I eat the right meals at the right time, nothing helps me ‘til I figure it out. Those doctors I consulted only said one thing: “You don’t have to worry. This doesn’t normally happen to people your age.” Yeah, I wish not to worry. But I don’t want to find out that it’s too late, and that I would be considered in a True Story Movie just like, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” – only with my name on it.

Yeah, my imagination is running wild now. You may say I’m over thinking. But you can’t blame me. After taking in all sorts of medicines in my body, it helped me imagine that much. Or maybe, I just tend to create “happy thoughts” in a difficult or hurting situation like this (being not able to work for more than a week now). I know everything happens for a reason. So while I’m waiting for that reason, I just tend to let my mind wander. :)

4) It was the first time that some of my left body parts felt tortured. Twice of getting blood and injected on the same spot on my left arm, left breast hurt so bad while that nurse who prayed for me ran the little machine on it. For those of you who don’t know how the 2D Echo Test is done, its jut like getting an ultrasound for pregnant women. So that thing they use where they put gel on , and run on those mothers’ tummies was like the same thing used on me. Only that she ran it on my left breast to inspect my heart and the muscles on it.

5) On a lighter side, though, I finally finished my third dose of medicine for HPV (Human papillomavirus). And it was always injected in my left arm – again. I’m happy after having it, ‘coz I really felt safe this time, after knowing all different diseases a woman can get, I feel protected. But of course, nothing is safer than having ‘safe sex’, or just abstain on it, if you’re still not ready to have a baby.

6) I enrolled for the first time in an Acting Workshop for Film, under Lunar Saints Production. I never expected, that little enrollment fee would go a long way, had given more opportunities and have given much priority to each and every one of us - their students, as much as it may have cost a mainstream production group to conduct their own. I never expected that a 3,000 pesos is worth that much time and effort each member of the group has to share whenever the class starts. For me, with all honesty, I would have started with around P5,000.00 or up, considering the intensity of teaching and hands-on activities that they provide. Indeed, no cents were ever wasted. I'm glad to know that there are still people who cared this much to those, who all wanted was to either gain more experience, just enhance what they have initially learned back stage, or just merely add-on their first time experiences list. :)

7) It was a first, feeling hopeless without someone beside you get through a tough situation. I’m not saying I wish I have a man to take care of me, but, yeah, maybe I’m wishing for it. I won’t pretend that I don’t need anyone, and that I am that independent. But admit it or not, at one time or another, an independent woman will wish for a companion. An independent woman can never be too strong, ‘til she finds out that there’s someone out there waiting for her to come home and wishes her well (I think this goes with Men too). Of course there are called Friends who stay for you. But nothing compares to having a man stand by you through thick and thin. For me, I find it so fulfilling when I get to share my hopes, dreams, goals – even my darkest secrets and happiest moments with the opposite sex. Hearing them do the same for me, is even more heart-warming.

But as I said, it was just a first time feeling of hopelessness. Maybe it occurred after seeing all married couples, mother-son, father-daughter, young couples; inside that medical clinic, up to my way outside, up to the jeepney where I rode back home. But that’s alright. I’m still up for God’s perfect time of course. For now, I’ll just keep on singing this song in my mind after hearing it over and over again on the radio this day:

“…How does he laugh, how does he cry? What’s the color of his eye?

Does he even realize I’m here?

Where is he, where is he, where is this beautiful guy?

Who is he, who is he, who’s gonna take me so high?

Where is he, where is he, where is this beautiful guy?

Who is he, who is he, who’s gonna take me so high?

Nanana-nananana

Nanana-nanaaa…

Nanana-nananana …”

Well, alright. I’ll end the list with that song. Just so you know, I’m not writing this stuff to get pity from anyone. I don’t need it. It just so happen that, that’s what blogging / writing a journal is all about – expressing yourself. It’s like I’ve allowed people to get into my life-book. And I feel honored to know that people take time to read my musings. This has always been a part of me – sharing my thoughts to people, and life experiences. ‘Coz I know, in one planet or another, there is someone out there, who could’ve been experiencing / have experienced the same things I did.

When a Director asked me during one of our ‘Revelations session’, “What makes me happy?” I said, “Whenever I’m in front of an audience performing, I feel happy. When I am with people who appreciates my craft and have the same passion I have with Arts, I am happy. When I am surrounded by people who will do everything to achieve what they really want in life, it makes me happy. And whenever I get to share my experiences to people, see the outcome on them, or just hear from them that they learned from me, it makes me happy." Somehow, I wanted people to remember me that way.

And writing this by the way is another of those happiest moments in my life. I’m glad to have shared this with you. :)

Be safe now everyone. ‘Til my next post.

Ciao! :)