A not so Merry Christmas

I haven't been able to attend the Misa de Gallo (Simbang Gabi) since I started working in a call center

I haven't smelled the Christmas scent for years now (some of you know what I mean here. Its that scent that will automatically recharge you and tell you that Christmas is just around the corner)

I haven't felt the Christmas spirit since we started living alone, away from our family
and I haven't been Merry for the past number of Christmas that just passed by.

But...

I have been celebrating with my family every year
I have been meeting up with my friends over and over each year
I have been giving gifts to people
and I have been praying each year for more guidance.

Everything went by so fast. 'Til I found myself crying while watching a midnight Mass on December 25th in front of a television. I don't know what got into me, but at that very moment, I felt like I was just about to die.

Heavy breathing... unstoppable tears... conquered me. My spirit just flew with the wind. At that brief moment, I felt nothing.

While most people are outside drinking, dancing, singing their lungs out, partying and stuff; I was there - alone in our living room - wondering what's wrong with me.

Why don't I feel anything special on that day? Why am I alone? Why can't I be happy like those people outside and drink 'til the wee hours of the morning? Why despite of the text messages I receive and sent out as Christmas greetings, I still didn't feel anything? Why can't I be happy like how I was when I was a kid? Why can't I feel loved and appreciated? Why?

I was thinking maybe one of the factors why I cried so hard that midnight was because of what the Priest had said. That at the time I was asking those why's, he gave me an answer.

"Jesus sees us and feels us. He loves us SO MUCH that he died on the cross to save us." He said that "no matter what we do and what sins we have made, Jesus have and will always forgive us and He will never forsake us."

I realized, He was the one only one who REALLY LOVES ME and who has always been there for me - and that I shouldn't be looking for anyone else but Him.

I felt suddenly surrendering myself to Him that night. My heart, body and soul. I wished to not feel this pain over and over. I felt at that very moment while tears are falling - that I just want to give up. Surrender my life to Him and LEAVE EVERYTHING TO HIM.

At that time, I said, Lord, I'm tired. Let Your Will Be Done this time and not mine.