OF FIRST TIMES AND BEYOND

(In memory of my 27^th Birthday)

Photo taken by Justine Balanag

February 13 2011

After so many failed planned vacation leaves, it was only this year that I was able to maximize the days I intended for my celebration. It all started last Sunday before Valentine’s Day when I got my free cake and boxes of assorted polvoron (my favorite) from Goldilocks and was able to gather my family and some relatives in Marikina. It was just a simple, yet meaningful celebration, because there’s nothing compared to the sound of children’s laughter whenever they see a candle blown on a birthday cake. As I described my birthday album on my facebook account, I found it funny because it took 3rounds before I was able to blow my own birthday candle. The first was done by my brother’s son – Nash Gabrielle, followed by my half sister – Althea Faye. And since that was the very first candle I have to blow after so many years of not having one, I forgot to make a wish. I don’t even remember when I should make a wish – before or after I blow the candle? Haha.

February 22-25 2011

Four days, three nights stay in Coron, Palawan

When I found out that there’s a promo fare to Coron and was scheduled for February, I immediately agreed to come along. I told myself to give it a shot and see what fate presents to me on that day. I realized that it was my very first out of town trip (by plane) with some of my high school friends – Justine and Denisse, together with Alfie (Denisse’s boyfriend) and two of our new found friends, Tia and Candy. I’ll tell more specific adventures we had on my later post. So just stand by.

Anyway, another first for me was eating on the boat while traveling from one island to another. Oh, when I say we “ate”, it’s not the normal chips and crackers thing you have whenever you’re in the middle of the ocean. They were actual meals cooked by the boatmen, fresh from the sea (huge Crabs, Fish, Pusit – just to name a few). They cook really well and the food is so yummy!

Another first was when my sunglasses broke on our 2nd day, when we were on our way to Calauit Island: Safari. Just imagine how many hours we were walking on that huge acres of land to see each animal (following the tour guide like we were on an elementary fieldtrip or something), under the freaking heat of the sun without sunglasses on. To be honest, though, I kept on asking myself that time (in the back of my mind), “Can I just sit and watch the National Geographic Channel instead of walking with you guys?” Had they reserved an alternative truck for tourists, if what they originally have gets malfunctioned, we would have all been fine gazing through the field not minding the heat. Tsk, tsk, booooo! I love the giraffes, horses and zebras, though. :)

Anyway, lesson learned: I won’t buy a ninety-nine pesos worth of sunglasses any longer so it won’t break after a day of use. Crap!

It was my first time to wear a real 2-piece bikini (despite my big figure). And it was not a two-piece outfit like shorts and a top, which I always wear before, when I have a nice figure to flaunt. How ironic.

It was a first when I get to eat on my own pace without having someone rush me to finish my food; and live somewhat like a real survivor in an isolated island when we stayed overnight in Castaway – wherein your only companion is the sound of the waves, and the cool breeze on your face. Electricity’s off during the day, and only a generator helps you get through the night. The only difference is, they served our food. We didn’t need to hunt to get something to eat. It’s like living in a paradise – without a special someone beside you *sigh* hehe.

Visiting 8 islands in one day (on exactly my birth day, the 24th) was another first. Snorkeling, swimming, trekking – name it, we did it. You can just imagine how exhausted we were at the end of the day. But we didn’t mind. We still managed to get a tricycle to drive us to Maquinit Hot Springs and give our tired bodies, a much needed break.

Our 4th morning was just a preparation to our flight back to Manila, so there’s nothing much that happened. Denisse just pointed a cute tree, though, while we’re inside the van going to the airport. It was alone in the middle of the field and it was a very pretty tree like what I see on children’s books when I was a kid, or a movie-like scene in need of a great nature’s background. It was amazing. Do you remember this phrase: “Living in a greener pasture?” The feeling was like that, only in the literal sense, because you are surrounded by green trees :)

Finally, it was a first having to trek 6 times, on different locations, when all we wanted was just to swim and snorkel. Mind you, we even trekked inside NAIA when all their escalators didn’t work when we arrived. Crazy, but super fun! :D

Thank you, Lord, for keeping us all safe on this blessed trip; thank you for introducing us to thoughtful and hospitable people of Coron; thank you for creating such wonderful and amazing islands; and thank you for allowing these people (Justine, Denisse, Alfie, Tia and Candy) to share their time and part of their lives with me as I celebrate another year of blissful existence. Thank you too, for all of you who extended warm greetings and wishes.

I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me, next year :)

For now, I’ll continue living each day and each passing hour in God’s grace. :)

Confession of a Dreamer

For the past years, all I wanted was just to be able to perform in front of an audience. I don't know what got into me, because I had a sudden change of mind. This time, I wanted not just to be able to perform, but learn more about my passion and be able to teach or share them to people.

This realization came when I got tired of searching for possible career advancements in my chosen field and saw numerous people who have potential to improve on their God-given talents. I'm not trying to be a talent manager or something. This time, I want to go back studying. I wanted to take my Masters in Performing Arts/Theater --- in a different country.

I don't know why I wanted to leave, all I know is that I want to know how it feels like studying in a different setting and how to live life outside of my birthland.

I know that for some, they'll say it's too late. Ask, "why just now? why start now?". I already hear people tell me that it's not worth the shot, because living in another country, considering their cost of living and such, is much worse than staying here. I wouldn't give them a second to think of more questions 'coz I will just say, "Why Not?" For me, nothing is too late - until I give up. And giving up, will never be in my vocabulary.

I admit, though, that I don't know where to start. This will be my very first time to do something on my own that I have never done in the past. I mean, I travel. Yes. But not internationally. This will be my first time to go out of my comfort zone. Of course I know I needed to fix my papers, get a passport and apply for a Visa and such, but I know I needed more help.

Living in another country, alone, and no one to talk to or be with, is one hell of a fun ride for me. Fun in the sense that I get to challenge myself to deal with different types of people, befriend any good or bad person that come my way. Fun in the sense that I will no longer have the same routine of just relying on one or two person's idea on something. Fun in the sense that I will not be committed to just a single person's routine itself.

But it's difficult, most especially if I have no idea of where to go.

I've been doing my research for like 3 months now. Searching for schools who can grant financial assistance for an International Student like me. Submitted resumes to possible goups/organizations who might hopefully read it and consider my portfolio. And since then, I haven't gotten any response.

It's indeed true, as I read through some international student's blogsites that the only pain you'll get out of this, is waiting.

I won't deny that I said I needed more help. I won't pretend that I know everything and that I can just do everything on my own. That's the reason why I've been asking my friends and all the people I know who's already living out of the country, for any information they could give me on where to go and what to do. That's the reason why I bury myself online, hoping to get a response from any of them. That's the reason why I'm not giving up. Because I know, someday, somewhere, there will be someone who can lead me to the right path without worrying of anything else, but me and my chosen life.

As we grow older and wiser, we realize that there are some things that just wouldn't satisfy our needs. We realize that there are people who were able to reach their goals and achieve their dreams without even going through all the hoops of trials. We realize that there are people who were just blessed with opportunities that they never see it coming.

Unfair as life can be, here I am, finally realizing what I wanted to do in life to serve my purpose --- yet I don't know where to begin.

Crazy, but true. :)

I LIVE BY THESE WORDS

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

OLD POEM COLLECTION I

A Perfect Ending

At the close of our day,

I linger in your eyes,

Lost in the moment,

Cherishing your touch.

Kissing, your tongue with mine,

Teasing me, exciting me, making me ache,

Wanting you to take me right then.

I lay back, pleading without words,

Breathless with anticipation,

As you stand over me, taunting,

Making me wait, admiring what you've done.

Anxious, I raise my hips to greet your stare,

Beckoning you to enter me,

As if the lips hidden there

Could speak for me, to some other part of you.

Finally, you grant me relief,

Embedding my being,

My feet upon your chest to brace us both,

As you thrust deep inside, again and again.

You reach places within me,

I thought were untouchable,

The pain hurting so good,

That I can’t help but cry out.

You wonder, if possibly you are hurting me,

Easing momentarily, but then I say, “don’t stop”,

And you know my whimpers are from ecstasy,

As I call you back into our entrancing dance.

My eyes are open to catch you,

As you’re stealing satisfaction with your own,

Taking pride in knowing it is you,

That has caused these looks to come across my face,

Demonstrating to you, your power over me.

And then you say, “Oh Lady”,

As you gaze at me dreamily,

Shaking your head, as in disbelief,

Shyly grinning, revealing to me my own power

To make you feel alive.

I know you are close to leaving me,

Traveling to that place I can not follow,

And I ask you not to go,

Trying with all my might to make you stay,

Requesting, “easy, wait”, as I push you to your back,

Climbing atop you.

Then ever so carefully, I navigate you once again,

To the edge of your own heaven,

As I find that perfect rhythm of my own,

Barely breathing.

And as I start to throb, I become the one

Who can not be stopped from taking flight,

As I ride you wildly, beyond the realms of night,

Into my own promised land.

And returning to earth,

I find to my delight,

You, also coming back to ground,

From a visit to a paradise,

That we both, together, found.