My Escape

120409
6PM
Makati

PRELUDE:

We met again. That guy who always makes my heart skip a beat everytime he shows up. That guy whom I thought was the person I long been waiting for. That guy who let me fall in love again after years of being alone. That guy who brings out the best in me whenever I know he's there to be proud of what I've achieved.

oOo

He was wearing a casual attire this time. Oh, I remembered because that was a Friday. He still looked gorgeous (on his chucks, jeans and longsleeves polo) as he was when I saw him last year with his business casual getup. He still have that smile I fell for. But his eyes reflected that he was really not feeling well.

I wanted to kiss and hug him so tight, that very moment I entered his car. But something pulled me back. I wanted to tell him everything - how happy I am to see him again after a year, how I appreciate the fact that he made time for me - even just for a while. I really wanted to kiss him so bad and tell him I miss him. But I didn't.


We started talking after a while. The usual "how are you doing" and "what's been up with you"question between long-lost friends were the first words that came out of our mouth. We talked about the bridal shower I hosted. The "demo" I should've done with him in front of my friends - which didn't happen. We talked about basic things. What we did on that bridal shower, and stuff about me. We never talked about our feelings - as if there was to talk about on his end, I wouldn't know.


But there I was, seating on the passenger seat, staring at him while he talked, wishing he look at my direction and see through me. He didn't.

He just asks me questions and answers back whenever I ask him why he got sick. That's it. I can say that that was the dullest conversation I ever had. I just can't make him do the talking.

121409

A TEXT MESSAGE

I just received a message from him. He was confined in the hospital for 5 days. I was glad to hear from him that he's doing fine now and I was glad that he made me aware of his situation - even if its too late.

I wanted to take care of him while he's recovering from sickness; I wanted to be there and see him get well. I wanted him to realize that despite our contradicting schedules, I can make a way to be there for him --- because I want to. But I guess, he doesn't.

I don't know if he's hiding something from me. I don't even know if he sees or feel me...

Or yeah, maybe most of you already know it. He's just not into me.

Coz he WAS that guy. That guy...who maybe, never really fell for me...at all.

122109

SIGNING OFF

This was one of those days where I just go out and check my sites and emails in an internet cafe for about 3 to 5 hours til I feel tired and sleepy. And yeah, part of it was to see if who among my friends are online too and have a simple chat and get connected.

I saw his name pop up (Clark Kent is now online). When I checked his status - Busy. So I just gave him a short message and like asked how he was recovering from his sickness. Knowing that he wont respond right away and thinking he might not respond at all, I closed the message window after a few minutes.

But he did. After about like an hour or two, he said he was okay, though he still coughs and that he's working while at home. I was delighted when I saw that message window active again. Its been so long that I was able to catch him online. He asked what am I doing, why am I online and if I was off for the day. I said I just waited for him to respond before I logout to know if he's okay or if he's already back in the office; and that my shift starts tonight from my Sunday off.

I started asking questions again - thinking it will be a good time to know him more and his plans for Christmas. I asked where will he and his family be on Christmas day. He answered he do not know yet. I asked if his siblings will go home from the states, he said he don't know. Then he asked why do I want to know.

I learned that if someone asks you "Why do you want to know?" it means that they don't want to answer your question and you better not insist. So when I saw that, I know I asked a wrong question. Yet I answered back, and the reason was that I just want to know more about him (his life, about his family etc).

Hence, what I thought was a good start, ended up by him - Signing off.

oOo

I felt crushed. Even if this was not the first time he did that, I felt like I was so dumbfounded this time; it was like, that's his only way to let me know he doesn't want me to be a part of his life at all. And it was like I was too numb to even realize and feel it through his actions.

I know I might be overanalyzing these things, but I was really hurt. As I said, it was not the first time he signs off whenever we're in the middle of an online 'conversation'; and this does not include yet the times that he will just suddenly stop replying after long exchange of text messages.

oOo

But you know what? This could be my first time... to let him go.

Like what Tom's friend said in the movie 500 Days of Summer, "the only way to let a girl go (in this case, to let a guy go) is to turn him into literature". Now that I've written much about him since last year, I can say that before this year ends, I am ready...

to finally move on and wait for the guy who will be worthy of this attention that I am giving him; and to whom I may finally be worthy of.

This is my escape.

I am still the captain of my ship and I am still the master of my soul.

-The End-