To You...

...Who I considered my 'first love', who stayed with me for a year and four months, and made me the kind of person I am right now;

...Who I met and dated years back and made me feel so appreciated and liked;

...Who came back after all these years, making me realize how important I am to you;

...Who showed and taught me how to love again, even for a month;

...Who I thought was just a stranger, and eventually became a good friend;

...Who I never knew will be my mentor, who believed in me and to what I can offer, who inspires me and makes me move forward; as long as I know you're there to guide me, I know I will never go wrong and that I will achieve whatever it is I dream of;

...Who thought I was just another girl whom you can play with; you made me realize that I can no longer stand the type of person you have become and that I have matured to search for another;

...Who still loves me despite of the circumstances we've been through, and made me aware of how you feel;

...Who don't appreciate a single thing I do; you made me realize that I have so much patience stored in me

...Who I loved all this time, despite of the pain I feel whenever I don't hear from you; you made me realize that I can just love, even without expecting anything in return

...Who loves me (whoever and wherever you are); you let me stay alive and happy longing for that day I will get to know you and spend the rest of my life with you

To all the guys I met and been with all these years, and also to everyone of you --- before this day and year ends, I just really want to say THANK YOU for coming in my life, for adding colors to my world and for joining me in this God-filled journey.

I know people come and go and leave footprints in our hearts. I'm just hoping that you will never forget, that once in your life, I walked through and touched your heart in the best way I know how.

May this new year give all of you more blessings and much love to give and receive!
Happy New Year everyone! ^_^

Very Proud to Belong!

the World's STRONGEST Bank. none other than, JPMC

.....British magazine The Banker

A not so Merry Christmas

I haven't been able to attend the Misa de Gallo (Simbang Gabi) since I started working in a call center

I haven't smelled the Christmas scent for years now (some of you know what I mean here. Its that scent that will automatically recharge you and tell you that Christmas is just around the corner)

I haven't felt the Christmas spirit since we started living alone, away from our family
and I haven't been Merry for the past number of Christmas that just passed by.

But...

I have been celebrating with my family every year
I have been meeting up with my friends over and over each year
I have been giving gifts to people
and I have been praying each year for more guidance.

Everything went by so fast. 'Til I found myself crying while watching a midnight Mass on December 25th in front of a television. I don't know what got into me, but at that very moment, I felt like I was just about to die.

Heavy breathing... unstoppable tears... conquered me. My spirit just flew with the wind. At that brief moment, I felt nothing.

While most people are outside drinking, dancing, singing their lungs out, partying and stuff; I was there - alone in our living room - wondering what's wrong with me.

Why don't I feel anything special on that day? Why am I alone? Why can't I be happy like those people outside and drink 'til the wee hours of the morning? Why despite of the text messages I receive and sent out as Christmas greetings, I still didn't feel anything? Why can't I be happy like how I was when I was a kid? Why can't I feel loved and appreciated? Why?

I was thinking maybe one of the factors why I cried so hard that midnight was because of what the Priest had said. That at the time I was asking those why's, he gave me an answer.

"Jesus sees us and feels us. He loves us SO MUCH that he died on the cross to save us." He said that "no matter what we do and what sins we have made, Jesus have and will always forgive us and He will never forsake us."

I realized, He was the one only one who REALLY LOVES ME and who has always been there for me - and that I shouldn't be looking for anyone else but Him.

I felt suddenly surrendering myself to Him that night. My heart, body and soul. I wished to not feel this pain over and over. I felt at that very moment while tears are falling - that I just want to give up. Surrender my life to Him and LEAVE EVERYTHING TO HIM.

At that time, I said, Lord, I'm tired. Let Your Will Be Done this time and not mine.

Gorgeous Slide Show

Just want to share to you this SlideShare Presentation that I received from my office email :)

Gorgeous Slide Show

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Madness

Just want to share to you this SlideShare Presentation that I received from my office email :)

Madness

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The Hardest Thing To Say To Someone

Just want to share this SlideShare Presentation that i received from my office email :)

The Hardest Thing To Say To Someone

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My Escape

120409
6PM
Makati

PRELUDE:

We met again. That guy who always makes my heart skip a beat everytime he shows up. That guy whom I thought was the person I long been waiting for. That guy who let me fall in love again after years of being alone. That guy who brings out the best in me whenever I know he's there to be proud of what I've achieved.

oOo

He was wearing a casual attire this time. Oh, I remembered because that was a Friday. He still looked gorgeous (on his chucks, jeans and longsleeves polo) as he was when I saw him last year with his business casual getup. He still have that smile I fell for. But his eyes reflected that he was really not feeling well.

I wanted to kiss and hug him so tight, that very moment I entered his car. But something pulled me back. I wanted to tell him everything - how happy I am to see him again after a year, how I appreciate the fact that he made time for me - even just for a while. I really wanted to kiss him so bad and tell him I miss him. But I didn't.


We started talking after a while. The usual "how are you doing" and "what's been up with you"question between long-lost friends were the first words that came out of our mouth. We talked about the bridal shower I hosted. The "demo" I should've done with him in front of my friends - which didn't happen. We talked about basic things. What we did on that bridal shower, and stuff about me. We never talked about our feelings - as if there was to talk about on his end, I wouldn't know.


But there I was, seating on the passenger seat, staring at him while he talked, wishing he look at my direction and see through me. He didn't.

He just asks me questions and answers back whenever I ask him why he got sick. That's it. I can say that that was the dullest conversation I ever had. I just can't make him do the talking.

121409

A TEXT MESSAGE

I just received a message from him. He was confined in the hospital for 5 days. I was glad to hear from him that he's doing fine now and I was glad that he made me aware of his situation - even if its too late.

I wanted to take care of him while he's recovering from sickness; I wanted to be there and see him get well. I wanted him to realize that despite our contradicting schedules, I can make a way to be there for him --- because I want to. But I guess, he doesn't.

I don't know if he's hiding something from me. I don't even know if he sees or feel me...

Or yeah, maybe most of you already know it. He's just not into me.

Coz he WAS that guy. That guy...who maybe, never really fell for me...at all.

122109

SIGNING OFF

This was one of those days where I just go out and check my sites and emails in an internet cafe for about 3 to 5 hours til I feel tired and sleepy. And yeah, part of it was to see if who among my friends are online too and have a simple chat and get connected.

I saw his name pop up (Clark Kent is now online). When I checked his status - Busy. So I just gave him a short message and like asked how he was recovering from his sickness. Knowing that he wont respond right away and thinking he might not respond at all, I closed the message window after a few minutes.

But he did. After about like an hour or two, he said he was okay, though he still coughs and that he's working while at home. I was delighted when I saw that message window active again. Its been so long that I was able to catch him online. He asked what am I doing, why am I online and if I was off for the day. I said I just waited for him to respond before I logout to know if he's okay or if he's already back in the office; and that my shift starts tonight from my Sunday off.

I started asking questions again - thinking it will be a good time to know him more and his plans for Christmas. I asked where will he and his family be on Christmas day. He answered he do not know yet. I asked if his siblings will go home from the states, he said he don't know. Then he asked why do I want to know.

I learned that if someone asks you "Why do you want to know?" it means that they don't want to answer your question and you better not insist. So when I saw that, I know I asked a wrong question. Yet I answered back, and the reason was that I just want to know more about him (his life, about his family etc).

Hence, what I thought was a good start, ended up by him - Signing off.

oOo

I felt crushed. Even if this was not the first time he did that, I felt like I was so dumbfounded this time; it was like, that's his only way to let me know he doesn't want me to be a part of his life at all. And it was like I was too numb to even realize and feel it through his actions.

I know I might be overanalyzing these things, but I was really hurt. As I said, it was not the first time he signs off whenever we're in the middle of an online 'conversation'; and this does not include yet the times that he will just suddenly stop replying after long exchange of text messages.

oOo

But you know what? This could be my first time... to let him go.

Like what Tom's friend said in the movie 500 Days of Summer, "the only way to let a girl go (in this case, to let a guy go) is to turn him into literature". Now that I've written much about him since last year, I can say that before this year ends, I am ready...

to finally move on and wait for the guy who will be worthy of this attention that I am giving him; and to whom I may finally be worthy of.

This is my escape.

I am still the captain of my ship and I am still the master of my soul.

-The End-